recently, i've been thinking a lot about what i need and want out of connections with others, and i think that i can finally put my finger on what i'm looking for. i thought that what i wanted was to be helpful, interesting, or liked, and that these things would be enough for me to desire connection with someone. however, there were many cases in which i was confusingly left feeling unsatisfied, or even hurt.

people told me that i had unrealistic expectations of them and others. that they felt like i put people on a pedestal. i didn't understand. didn't everyone want to be treated the way i did? were my expectations unreasonable?

one day, my mother, who i love dearly, put words to my frustration. "honey, it sounds like you really value kindness." "yes," i responded. "but doesn't everyone?"

i thought and thought. maybe kindness wasn't the best word, maybe thoughtfulness, selflessness, awareness were superior? but what i realized was that for me at least, Kindness was the word that best fit what i valued. i want my connections to be with people who are kind.

• someone who reaches out when you're down

• someone who shares: time, love, care with you

• someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt

• someone who tries their best to see you for who you are

it's possible that for the reader, these things are obvious desires. children's songs try to teach us about these things! the golden rule exists! but for how many people would Kindness, as described above, be the most important, even primary part, of a connection with someone?

connections exist for many reasons: physical attraction, business opportunities, convenience, simply having known someone for a while, or having shared a space in the past. i've come to realize that many of my connections were centered around these things. and i'm not sure that's enough for me anymore.

that's not to say that these types of connections are bad. but for me, it's hard not to pursue imbuing those connections with more Kindness. connections with mutual Kindness feel more tangible and thus, more valuable to me.

even before i found the Kindness label for what i suppose i'll call a value, i've lived in accordance with these ideas. perhaps it's a bit conceited to think that i offer such a thing to others, and the fear of that kept me from titling this 'reciprocity' or some other high-minded ideal. but i really do try. many of my recent connections are with strangers who i reached out to when i saw they shared a common interest or even that they were struggling.

i suppose it's time to address the pitfalls. not everyone thinks this way. some people don't want the same things i do. sometimes you offer more than someone can reciprocate. some people are uncomfortable being taken care of. some people don't think the things i value are truly kind. to these worries i say, try your best. try to meet people where they're at. and perhaps the most damning: try not to have expectations of others.

it's taken a lot of work for me to reframe what i thought was common decency into explicit wants, but doing so has been entirely worth it. this reframing forced me to confront and address why i often felt hurt, and allowed me to embrace the ideals that now inform how i connect with others.

please, show Kindness to others. offer them what you can. but the way that i got here was by realizing that what i had was unsustainable; i began to learn how to treat myself with that same Kindness.